By Pilar Guzman

Silicon Valley’s 12-year-old CEOs aren’t the only ones squirming in their Dockers. After praying for a familiar-sounding California Chardomerlot to appear on the restaurant wine list, we all lunge, in our thrifty ignorance, for one that’s a buck or two more than the least expensive bottle. Good news, fellow fumblers: Now you can stop throwing around silly words like bouquet. "Most of the descriptive language that wine experts use is horse shit," says New York-based sommelier Willie Gluckstern. "The main thing you have to remember is aroma, aroma, aroma, and eventually to trust your palate." Here, with Gluckstern’s help, is a rundown on what you really need to know.

Nose. Follow yours. No matter how dumb you feel, if a wine smells clean, fresh, and ripe to you, get out of the embarrassing tasting spotlight and motion for the waiter to pour. Only cigar smokers swish and contemplate the "legs" of a wine. The "nose" should also be faithful to the grape’s variety, which is something you have to learn over time.

Oak. Despite all the faux connoisseurs waxing poetic about a Chardonnay’s "complex oakiness," the presence of oak is usually a negative attribute. Many delicious wines are appropriately aged in oak barrels, a process that enhances a wine’s body and viscosity. Many domestic whites under $15 are not just aged in oak but also oak-fermented--that is, artificially sweetened with oak chips, powders, and essences. "The process disguises the natural flavor of the grape varietal," says Gluckstern, "with what is all too often the rough-hewn sweetness of, say, burnt caramel popcorn."

Acidity. The right balance of sugar and acidity is what makes good flavor; high acidity creates desirable juiciness. "Any bottle worth a damn should be ripe, juicy, and make you squint a bit," says Gluckstern, "Think of a crisp apple or a peach and how they make your mouth water."

Sweetness. Dry is not necessarily better than sweet, assuming the latter doesn’t mean Manischevitz. "When someone asks for a dry white," says Gluckstern, "they are basically admitting that they don’t know anything about wine." Some of the finest whites are often the fruitiest.

Body. Defined as how the wine feels in your mouth, body is largely determined by extract, weight, alcohol, and tannin. Extract is simply the pure fruit concentrate that remains after you remove a wine grape’s water. Alcohol levels influence the weight of the wine: The higher the alcohol content, the richer the wine feels in the mouth. But unless you have sufficient extract, high alcohol levels are likely to kill the flavor of the wine. "If you can smell the alcohol," according to Gluckstern, "there’s too much of it." Tannins are the astringent compounds in the skins, seeds, and stems of grapes that are responsible for the drying sensation of your gums and teeth. Tannic wines such as Cabernet Sauvignon and many Bordeauxs, which mellow with age, are most enjoyable with the fatty foods and red meats that can handle their tannic grit.

Finish. Flavor should linger about 10 to 20 seconds in your mouth after you have swallowed.

With Food. Remember, red wine is not necessarily more sophisticated than white, and not necessarily the only choice with meat. In fact, because whites are generally lighter in weight than reds, they lend themselves more easily to a wider range of foods. While there are any number of great sipping wines, light- to medium-bodied wines that are high in acidity and sugar and low in alcohol tend to be the most flexible and complimentary to our lighter, more dynamic diets. Food-friendly whites include Riesling, Pinot Gris, Sauvignon Blanc; the best choices among the reds are Cabernet Franc, Barbera, Gamay, Pinot Noir.

By region. Regional wine qualities tend to reflect the specifics of regional cuisines. So picking a region to tour often means choosing what kind of food you want to eat for 10 days straight. Here are Gluckstern’s top wine picks in Europe:

Northern Italy: Piemonte and the Veneto are greatly influenced by the rich subtelty of their butter-worshipping French and Swiss neighbors. Whites: From Piemonte, Pinot Bianco, Soave, Pinot Grigio with shellfish and fish; the sparkling Prosecco from the Veneto. Reds: Franciacorta Rosso (Cabernet Franc, Barbera, and Merlot) with meat; Amarone (Molinara, Rodinella and Corvina), Barbera, and young Nebbiolo with lamb and game.

Central Italy: Trendy cuisine from Tuscany and Chianti favors lighter pastas, vegetables and seafood. Whites: Verdicchio, Orvieto (Trebbiano and Garbanega), Vernaccia di San Gimignano. Reds: Sangiovese, Morellino, Rosso di Montalcino, Chiantis, Vino Nobile di Montepulciano, Brunello di Montalcino. For tricky-to-pair cured hams and cheeses, fruitier reds are a good choice: Valpolicella (Corvina, Molinara, Rodinella), Barbera, Dolcetto, Ruffina.

Sicily and the South: Campagna and Sardegna--land of hard sheep’s milk cheese, salty fish, tomatoes and plenty of garlic--favor sweeter, prunier wines like Greco and Fiano from Campagna and Vermentino from Sardegna.

Northern and Central France: Delicate butter and cream sauces paired with exquisite veal stock reductions and tarragon call for great big wines that have high acidity. For fish or vegetables in light cream sauces, escargot, and oysters: Loire Chenins (Vouvray and Montlouis), Loire Sauvignons (Sancerre and Pouilly-Fumé), and Champagne. For veal, pork, and white-meat birds: Loire Cabernet Francs (Saumur, Chinon, Bourgueil) and the Gamay wines of Beaujolais. For red meat and game: Bordeaux and red Burgundies.

Provence and Southwestern France: Like Southern Italy, salty fish, tomato sauces, peppers, olive oil, and herbs go well with the regions many rosés and Ugni Blanc from Cascogne. With light meats and heavy seafood, Viognier, Roussanne, Marsanne, CÔtes-du-RhÔne Blanc, Condrieu, and Hermitage Blanc. Heavy goose liver pâté and duck can take heavy black wines like Cahors (Malbec), Madiran (Tannat), Bandol (Mourvèdre), and Syrah-Grenache (blends from Châteauneauf du Pape, Gigondas, CÔtes de Roussillon, CÔtes de Lubéron, Corbieres, St. Chinian, and Minervois) and northern RhÔne Syrahs like Cornas, CÔte-RÔtie, and Hermitage.

Alsace: For the cuisine of this region, which is heavily influenced by its goose-, potato-, and sauerkraut-eating German neighbors, heavy aromatic whites are in order: Alsace Pinot Blanc, Tokay-Pinot Gris and the flowery and fruity Gewürztraminer.

Germany: Wines that are high in acid provide a necessary counterbalance to the fatty, bland, carb-and-meat-centric northern European diet. The Mosel Rieslings are citrusy, whereas Rhine River wines tend to smell vaguely of peaches. Nahe River wines are a combination of the two. Rheinhessen wines tend to have smoky undertones to their fruity flavor. Wines from the Rheingau region are dry. The increasingly popular Rheinpfaltz (or just "Pfaltz") style is both full and fruity and includes Gewürztraminer, Scheurebe, Spatburgunder (Pinot Noir), and Chardonnay.

Pilar Guzman often writes about food, wine, and travel for Metropolis and other print and online publications.